


L33T SP34K TON1GHT W1TH T3R3Z1 PYROP3

by Pablo360



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dark Humor, Gen, Inspired By The Santa Clause (Movies), Miracle on 34th Street Reference, crude language, death mention, leet speak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:13:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21844240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pablo360/pseuds/Pablo360
Summary: Terezi Pyrope is a late night talk show commentator in the vein of John Oliver.  That's it.  That's the bit.  You don't need to be familiar with Homestuck or Last Week Tonight to enjoy this farcical take on an already-satirical genre; you just need an iron stomach, a strong sense of humor, and the ability to parse L33T SP34K.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	L33T SP34K TON1GHT W1TH T3R3Z1 PYROP3

**Author's Note:**

> I'd like to thank macklives over on tumblr for being the reason this fanfiction exists. Rock on, you beautiful liveblogger. I'd also like to thank LegalEagle over on YouTube for drawing my attention to one of the topics discussed in this extremely very serious piece of fanfiction. Lastly, I'd like to thank some pals over on Discord for alpha reading this — not just emmyllou this time, but also a couple others who are actually familiar with Homestuck and made sure this was in-character.
> 
> This is where, if this were the early 2000's, I'd say something about how I don't own Homestuck, but that's not really true. I do own Homestuck, because the version of Homestuck that I experienced is the one constructed in my head as I interpret the symbols that comprise the comic, and that version categorically cannot belong to anyone else. I do not, however, own John Oliver. But if you sign my change.org petition—

A young news comedian sits in a studio. It just so happens that today, the 25th of December, 2019, is the airdate of the last episode of her late-night talk show for the year. Though it was five and a half years ago she was given her premiere, why don’t we let her tell us today what her name is?

TEREZI: W3LCOM3 TO L33T SP34K TON1GHT, TH3 MOST 4CCUR4T3 T4LK SHOW N4M3D 4FT3R 4 D14L3CT OF WR1TT3N SL4NG.  
TEREZI: 1’M YOUR HOST, T3R3Z1 PYROP3, OR 4S SOM3 P3OPL3 C4LL M3, "1NV4D3R Z1M 4FT3R 4 TR4G1C FL4RP 4CC1D3NT." >:]

She breaks into a shark-toothed grin, the sharpness of her teeth highlighting the sharpness of her red angular glasses and her short conical horns. The studio audience goes absolutely apeshit, cheering and whistling and clapping their absolute blood pushers out. One person yells, “I love you Terezi! Marry my waffles!” a bit too loud, though, and it kills the mood. Terezi’s smile momentarily falters into a grimace, but she is quick to resume her presumably-unflappable composure. Above her, an LCD display changes from the show’s title to an image of a red screen with “The Red Menace” written across it in white.

TEREZI: OUR TOP STORY TON1GHT: TH3 R3D M3N4C3. 3V3N 1F YOU DON’T KNOW MUCH 4BOUT TH1S WORLDW1D3 THR34T, YOU’V3 PROB4BLY B33N 4FF3CT3D BY 1T YOUR WHOL3 L1F3, 3SP3C14LLY DUR1NG YOUR PUP4HOOD.  
TEREZI: 1T COM3S FROM TH3 1CY W4ST3S OF NORTH3RN 34RTH, BUT 1TS 1MP4CT 1S F3LT 4LL 4CROSS 1TS SURF4C3. L1K3 4 TH13F 1N TH3 N1GHT 1T COM3S WH3N YOU L34ST 3XP3CT 1T.  
TEREZI: 3V3RYWH3R3 1T SPR34DS, COMMOD1T13S 4R3 R3D1STR1BUT3D B4S3D ON TH3 WH1MS OF 4 S1NGL3 C3NTR4L 4UTHOR1TY WHO UN1L4T3R4LLY D3C1D3S WHO SHOULD H4V3 TH3 R1GHT TO WH4T.  
TEREZI: TH4T’S RIGHT:  
TEREZI: S4NT4! >:O

The image changes to a stock photo of a mall santa, with the Grubby Images watermark badly photoshopped on top and a bit off-center. The crowd bursts into laughter, some of it natural, some of it misguided attempts at ho-ho-hoing.

TEREZI: F1RST OF 4LL, 1 H4V3 TO COMM3ND H1M ON H1S F4SH1ON CHO1C3S.  
TEREZI: TH3 WH1T3 FLUFF ON TH3 CUFFS 4ND H4T T1P 4R3 P34K "C4UGHT BR13FLY 1N 4 NORTH POL3 FLURRY" CH1C.  
TEREZI: 4ND WH1L3 SOM3 M4Y C4LL 4 R3D SH1RT W1TH 4 R3D H4T 4ND R3D P4NTS OV3RKILL, 3V3N FOR OBJ3CT1V3LY TH3 B3ST COLOR,  
TEREZI: 1 DON’T S33 4NYTH1NG WRONG W1TH TH4T. >;]

Silence. The crowd cannot see her winking behind those red angular glasses. She’s forgotten she’s wearing them, and they’ve forgotten she’s blind. She clears her throat. No sense lingering _too_ long over a dud.

TEREZI: 4NYW4Y, 1F YOU D1SCOUNT H1S R4D1C4L 43STH3T1C, H1S WHOL3 D34L L34V3S SOM3TH1NG TO B3 D3S1R3D.  
TEREZI: S4NT4'S WHOL3 SCHT1CK 1S 3NT3R1NG STR4NG3R'S H1V3S UN1NV1T3D THROUGH TH3 CH1MN3Y 4ND L34V1NG PR3S3NTS FOR TH31R “CH1LDR3N” B4S3D ON H1S OWN P3RSON4L M34SUR3 OF HOW W3LL-B3H4V3D TH3Y 4R3.  
TEREZI: 4ND Y3T D3SP1T3 TH1S, H3'S R3G4RD3D 4S TH3 PROTOTYP1C4L N1C3, 4PPRO4CH4BL3 F3LLOW WHO C4R3S 4BOUT HUM4N CH1LDR3N.  
TEREZI: TO PUT TH4T 1NTO P3RSP3CT1V3, 1M4G1N3 1F TH3R3 W3R3 4 TROLL WHO GOT R3NOWN FOR LOV1NG LUS11 B3C4US3 H3 SNUCK 1NTO P3OPL3'S H1V3S THROUGH TH3 LO4D G4P3R,  
TEREZI: H1D1NG LUSUS TR34TS UND3R D3L1C1OUS POTT3D PL4NTS 1F H3 THOUGHT TH3Y W3R3 GOOD 4T CUDDL1NG H1S F1DUSP4WN.  
TEREZI: S3R1OUSLY, CUT 1T OUT T4VROS, 1T'S NOT FUNNY TH3 FIFTH T1M3! >:[

A picture of a large-horned troll with metal legs climbing out of a toilet holding a bag of lusus treats is shown. The crowd bursts into laughter once more, extra loud to make up for the disappointing last joke. Elsewhere, Tavros meekly protests to a TV screen that he only did that once. Then the graphic display behind Terezi changes again, this time to a stock loop of a snowflake falling up with “Merry CRIME-as!” written across the top in a cursive font.

TEREZI: S4NT4 CL4US 1S W4NT3D 1N NUM3ROUS JUR1SD1CT1ONS PL4N3TW1D3 FOR 4 ST4RTL1NG 4SSORTM3NT OF CR1M3S. OV3R ON3 B1LL1ON 4NNU4L COUNTS OF BR34K1NG 4ND 3NT3R1NG 1S ONLY ON3 OF 4 NUMB3R OF C4P1T4L OFF3NC3S.  
TEREZI: TH3R3'S 4LSO: UNL1C3NS3D OP3R4T1ON OF 4 M4G1C4L SL31GH,  
TEREZI: G1V1NG OUT TOYS W1THOUT SUBM1TT1NG 4NY FOR S4F3TY 1NSP3CT1ONS,  
TEREZI: 3V3RY 41RSP4C3 V1OL4T1ON 1T'S POSS1BL3 TO COMM1T W1TH 4 FLY1NG R31ND33R,  
TEREZI: 4N1M4L CRU3LTY, FOR K33P1NG S41D R31ND33R 1N TH3 FUCK1NG 4RCT1C,  
TEREZI: R3FUS1NG TO L3T H1S 3LV3S UN1ON1ZE,  
TEREZI: 3GR3G1OUS PR1V4CY V1OL4T1ONS WH3N YOU'R3 SL33P1NG 4ND S3R14L ST4LK1NG WH3N YOU'R3 4W4K3,  
TEREZI: 4ND M4NSL4UGHT3R OF TH3 PR3V1OUS S4NT4 1N ORD3R TO B3COM3 TH3 N3W S4NT4, 4S R3PORT3D BY TH3 DOCUM3NT4RY S3R13S, "TH3 S4NT4 CL4US3."

With each new crime listed, a representative yet somewhat banal image is pinned to the snowflake loop with a digital pushpin — a crowbar being pulled against a gingerbread house window, a reindeer frozen in a glacier, an image of a badly-photoshopped box for a fake movie called, “The Santa Clause 2: The Legend of Rudolph's Gold.” Each time, the audience laughs a bit louder, starting with a healthy murmur and building up to a cacophony of mirth. Terezi sinks back into her chair, satisfied, crossing her arms behind her head. She's still got it.

One more image pops up, this one of Santa Claus straight-up decking a guy, no holds barred. The crowd goes quiet when it shows up. What the fuck is this? think the audience members who haven't seen Miracle on 31st Street (that's thirty-first street, not eist street).

TEREZI: 4ND OF COURS3, TH3R3'S S3COND-D3GR33 4SS4ULT. TH1S ON3 DO3SN'T R34LLY COUNT, CONS1D3R1NG H3'S NOT R34LLY "W4NT3D" FOR 1T, BUT 1'M GO1NG TO COUNT 1T 4NYW4Y B3C4US3 TH1S 1S MY SHOW 4ND 1 C4N DO WH4T 1 W4NT. >:]  
TEREZI: SUR3, YOU COULD 4RGU3 TH4T 1T W4S SOM3WH4T JUST1F13D B3C4US3 1T W4S D1R3CT3D TOW4RD 4 QU4CK PSYCHOLOG1ST.  
TEREZI: BUT 1F YOU 4SK M3, TH3 ONLY M1R4CL3 ON TH1RTY-F1RST STR33T 1S TH4T NOBODY PR3SS3D CH4RG3S.

Mild laughter. The image on the screen then changes to an image Terezi herself, wearing a round black pair of sunglasses that look like they could have once touched Ben Stiller's weird, sort of gaunt face at some point instead of her usual angular pair. She's holding a microphone and standing in a city street, with humans giving her odd looks in the background. A billboard behind her advertises the upcoming movie, “Citizen Kane 2: Rosebud's Revenge”.

TEREZI: HOW3V3R, TH4T'S NOT TH3 WHOL3 STORY. FOR 4S M4NY P3OPL3 4S R1GHTFULLY W4NT S4NT4 D34D FOR H1S M4NY CR1M3S, TH3R3 4R3 4LMOST 4S M4NY SUPPORT3RS.  
TEREZI: FOR MORE 1NFORM4T1ON, W3 TURN TO T3R3Z1 OUT 1N TH3 F13LD. T4K3 1T 4W4Y, T3R3Z1.  
TEREZI: (W41T, WHY 4M 1 W34R1NG D4V3'S SH4D3S? >:?)

The image of Terezi becomes a picture and sound is played through the studio. There's a brief, awkward moment where there's only the sound of wind and cars, but then that Terezi begins talking.

T3R3Z1: TH4NK YOU T3R3Z1. (YOU'LL F1ND OUT >:])  
T3R3Z1: 4S YOU C4N SM3LL, 1'M OUT H3R3 L1V3 1N UNSP3C1F13D C1TY TO 1NT3RV13W 4LL TH3 L1TTL3 CH1LDR3N 4BOUT HOW TH3Y F33L 4BOUT S4NT4.  
T3R3Z1: TH1S M4Y COM3 4S 4 SHOCK TO YOU, BUT 1N G3N3R4L SM4LL CH1LDR3N DON'T G1V3 4 FUCK 4BOUT L3G4L1T1ES! >:O  
T3R3Z1: L3T'S S33 1F TH1S ON3'S 4NY D1FF3R3NT.  
T3R3Z1: 3XCUS3 M3, S1R, WH4T DO YOU F33L 4BOUT W4NT3D CR1M1N4L S4NT4 “NOG GUZZL3R” CL4US?

She leans down to where a small child in an “I <3 U C” shirt was standing the whole time, just out of frame.

CH1LD 1: i like santa because he gives me lots of presents

Jump cut to an identical shot but with a different child.

CH1LD 2: i wanted a firetruck for my christmas and and and he gave me it and and and hes really cool because he gave me a firetruck

CH1LD 3: whats a guzzler?

CH1LD 4: i love santa hes the best! i wrote him a letter and he said im a good girl and deserve all the presents!

CH1LD 5: While it's certainly controversial for him to surveil us constantly, it's a necessity in order to adequately determine our goodness. There are always certain liberties which must be curtailed in the name of righteousness, and it's foolish to believe that our right to privacy is so sacrosanct that it cannot be tampered with. If you've been a good child all year, then you have nothing to hide.

CH1LD 6: i love santa hes the best! i was a bad boy all year and so he gave me coal and so then i used it to set things on fire!

Nervous laughter from the audience this time as the screen freeze-frames on Terezi's face, after which it goes back to the mall santa image from near the beginning of the episode. Live Terezi licks a small screen in front of her, presumably making sure they're on the right slide, before launching into the next segment.

TEREZI: 1 L1K3 TH4T L4ST K1D'S STYL3. K33P 4N 3Y3 ON H1M, H3'S GO1NG PL4C3S.  
TEREZI: GR4NT3D, MOST OF THOS3 PL4C3S 4R3 PROB4BLY SH1TTY C4NV4S T3NTS F1LL3D W1TH 4NT1S3PT1CS 4ND H3LD UP W1TH LONG CH41NS OF HYPOD3RM1C N33DL3S,  
TEREZI: WR1TH1NG 1N P41N FROM 4TT3MPT1NG TO DO 4 K1CKFL1P OFF A MONST3R TRUCK 1N 4 CROWD3D P4RK1NG LOT,  
TEREZI: WH1L3 H1S FR13NDS WHO GOT K1CK3D OUT OF M3D SCHOOL S3T H1S BON3S W1TH SCOTCH T4P3 4ND F1R3CR4CK3RS.  
TEREZI: BUT TH4T'S ST1LL PL4C3S. >:]

As the crowd laughs, she takes out a red handkerchief and wipes off her screen. It's best not to let that sit for too long or OSHA will complain. Given what's about to happen, the last thing she wants is them breathing down her neck for _yet another_ reason.

TEREZI: CL34RLY, THOUGH, TH1S 1SSU3 1S MOR3 NU4NC3D TH4N 1T F1RST 4PP34R3D.  
TEREZI: NOW, W3 4CTU4LLY R34CH3D OUT TO S4NT4 CL4US FOR 4N 1NT3RV13W, 1N TH3 HOP3S TH4T BY 4SK1NG H1M SOM3 K3Y QU3ST1ONS,  
TEREZI: W3 COULD G3T 4 B3TT3R UND3RST4ND1NG OF TH3 TRU3 M34N1NG OF CHR1STM4S.  
TEREZI: 4ND UNFORTUN4T3LY ON TH4T FRONT TH3R3'S GOOD N3WS 4ND B4D N3WS.  
TEREZI: TH3 B4D N3WS 1S TH4T 1 4CTU4LLY K1LL3D S4NT4 L4ST CHR1STM4S WH3N H3 BROK3 1NTO MY HOUS3 1N TH3 M1DDL3 OF TH3 D4Y.  
TEREZI: L1ST3N, 1'D H4D 4 B1T TOO MUCH F4YGO 4ND FORGOT WH4T N1GHT 1T W4S, 4ND 1T W4S TOO BR1GHT TO SM3LL WHO H3 W4S.  
TEREZI: FR4NKLY 1'MS SURPR1S3D H3 H4DN'T 4LR34DY 1MP4L3D H1MS3LF ON SOM3 4L4B4M4 HONKY-TONK'S JURY-R1GG3D SP1K3 TR4P M4D3 OF SH4RP3N3D GR1M4LK1N HORNS.

The screen shows a rather poor dramatization of that hypothetical, clearly drawn by Terezi herself. The shitty Santa isn't even touching the “grimalkin horns”, whatever those are supposed to be. The crowd presses ℱ to pay respects.

TEREZI: TH3 GOOD N3WS 1S TH4T W3 D1DN'T L3T TH4T STOP US!

Amid confused muttering, the screen goes blank and Terezi walks stage left to an open interview area, probing the area in front of her with her cane until she finds asimple wooden chair and sits down in it before taking out a clothespin and putting it on her nose. From some curtains opposite her emerge Dave and John, shouldering the rotting corpse of Santa Claus between them. John is in a plain custodial uniform, while Dave is in full Hatsune Miku cosplay except for his trademark sunglasses. Santa Claus has a matching pair of sunglasses, which John his carefully holding onto his face, and an oversized nametag declaring him to be “Bernie Lomax”. The crowd reacts with mixed applause and disgust as they set Santa Clause on a fancy red couch in front of Terezi and kneel behind it, obviously preparing to puppet it. As they set it down and fold his arms into his lap, the sunglasses fall onto the floor, revealing Santa's cold, lifeless, judgemental, all-seeing eyes.

JOHN: whoops! didn't mean to drop those.  
JOHN: hey terezi, would you mind picking those up?  
TEREZI: Y3S 1 WOULD.

She does it anyway, walking up to Santa and nearly smashing the glasses with her cane. She bends over and sniffs the glasses, holding them up to Santa's face in contemplation. This simply won't do, she decides. As usual John's fashion sense is lacking. She takes off her own glasses and puts them on Santa, donning the round black shades for herself. Now Santa has achieved posthumous crimsonlightenment. She goes back to her chair and sits down again, satisfied.

TEREZI: W3LCOM3 TO TH3 SHOW, S4NT4.  
DAVE: yeah it's dope to be on here tz  
DAVE: all sittin' here on this couch like a regular-ass non-corpsetacular person  
DAVE: and yeah you can pretend there's two guys crouching behind me sticking their arms up my backside to make me talk  
DAVE: but that don't make me no different from any of y'all  
DAVE: right now some philosophy student heard me say that and fuckin' busted a nut  
DAVE: sayin' whoa that's deep into my butthole  
DAVE: the butthole represents society  
DAVE: and i'm straight skewering it with my massive philosophical dong so hard it won't be able to walk til next chanukah  
DAVE: goin' all "what are any of us but meat-puppets piloted by ghosts"  
DAVE: and you nod, a single tear flowing down your cheek, and whisper, "y3s"  
TEREZI: >:O  
DAVE: take it home john  
JOHN: oh!  
JOHN: um, that was the plan all along.  
JOHN: to give you a philosophy boner.  
JOHN: and you?  
JOHN: GOT one.

They raise Santa's arms to make him give a sloppy yet dismissive hand gesture toward Terezi, who snorts uncontrollably. The crowd seems a bit less into this. Many of their philosophical boners remain unaroused. Philosophical erectile dysfunction is a serious issue.

TEREZI: 4NYW4Y, W3 H4V3 SOM3 QU3ST1ONS FOR YOU TON1GHT, BUT 1N TH3 SP1R1T OF CHR1STM4S,  
TEREZI: TH3Y 4LL COM3 FROM V4R1OUS L3TT3RS TO YOU WH1CH YOU N3V3R BOTH3R3D R3SPOND1NG TO.  
TEREZI: W3 W3R3 HOP1NG YOU WOULD B3 SO JOLLY 4S TO 4NSW3R TH3M FOR US >:]  
JOHN: well, I don't see why not. I mean, I had other plans, but they're probably cancelled now.  
DAVE: yeah and good thing too  
DAVE: i really wasn't looking forward to attending little cousin charlie's bar mitzvah  
DAVE: stupid brat thinks he's so special because he's turning thirteen and can read a really important old book  
DAVE: news flash hotshot, you've been studying for this exam for over a decade and it's open book  
DAVE: i'm not giving you thirteen dollars and my collectable issue 4 vintage gamebro magazine for that  
DAVE: i coulda spent that thirteen dollars on an ungodly amount of tic tacs  
DAVE: stack em all up like a house of cards  
DAVE: of course I get bored halfway through and eat one of the support tic tacs  
DAVE: the whole thing collapses  
DAVE: like everything in my life always does  
DAVE: then rose walks in muttering ancient incantations and they resonate with the eldritch runes formed by the collapsed pile  
DAVE: summoning bilbo baggins the ancient demon of frumpiness and all-day breakfast  
DAVE: and he starts making waffles  
DAVE: like everything in my life always does  
TEREZI: >:?  
DAVE: the answer is yes

Terezi retrieves a bag of letters from her fetch modus. She sniffs the bag, then takes out a letter and licks it.

TEREZI: OUR F1RST QU3ST1ON 1S FROM N1CO, FROM H3LL.  
JOHN: like the city in michigan?  
TEREZI: M4YB3? 4LL 1 KNOW 1S TH3 P4RCHM3NT T4ST3S L1K3 ST4L3 CHOCOL4T3 >:P  
TEREZI: H3 4SKS: "COULD YOU G1V3 M3 4 W1LL TO L1V3 4ND 4 F3W MONTHS' R3NT?"  
JOHN: aw, geez.  
JOHN: I'd kinda like that myself to be honest.  
DAVE: don't you fucking talk to me about the will to live  
DAVE: i don't even have the _life_ to live at this point  
DAVE: i'm—  
TEREZI: OK4Y F1N3, QU3ST1ON R3TR4CT3D.

She holds up her hand. Dave doesn't stop talking, but Sollux backstage cuts out his volume. He continues gesticulating with the arm he's in control of while Terezi puts Nico's letter back in and withdraws a few more.

TEREZI: TH1S ON3'S F4OM GOG TH3MS3LF.  
TEREZI: WH1CH 4DDS 4 WR1NKL3 TO TH3 WHOL3 "TRU3 M34N1NG OF CHR1STM4S" D3B4T3 BUT TH4T'S 4N 1SSU3 FOR 4NOTH3R 3P1SOD3.  
TEREZI: TH3Y 4SK: "DO YOU P4Y T4X3S?"  
JOHN: not anymore.  
TEREZI: M3̀ÞRU 4SKS: "4S 4 B1SHOP, HOW D1D YOU TR34T NONB3L13V3RS?"  
JOHN: aw geez.  
JOHN: don't ask about my life as nicholas of myra, ok?  
JOHN: that was a different phase of my life that I'm trying to distance myself from.  
TEREZI: KR1XW3LL 4SKS: "DO YOU 3V3R H4V3 TROUBL3 G3TT1NG 1NTO P3OPL3'S HOUS3S B3C4US3 OF F4C3 R3COGN1T1ON SYST3MS ON TH3 DOORS?"  
TEREZI: 1'M NOT SUR3 WHY TH4T WOULD B3 4N 1SSU3 S1NC3 YOU COM3 1N THROUGH TH3 CH1MN3Y.  
JOHN: actually, a surprising number of homes don't have chimneys any more!  
JOHN: when I run into this problem, I usually just steal the face of someone who lives there like in that awesome nic cage movie, face off.  
JOHN: I put it back afterwards, so there's no harm done.  
TEREZI: BUT HOW DO YOU G3T 1N TO ST34L TH31R F4C3 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3? >:?  
JOHN: that's a very good question.  
JOHN: the answer is shut up.  
JOHN: shut up is how.  
TEREZI: >:P  
TEREZI: M3̀ÞRU 4SKS: "WH4T D1D YOU TH1NK OF TH3 OUTCOM3 OF TH3 COUNC1L OF N1C434?"  
JOHN: augh!

John lets his own Santa arm go slack. Dave finally finishes his rant, and there's a faint crackle of static as Sollux reactivates his microphone; there's enough mild chuckling in the audience that they don't pick up on this, so Terezi launches into the next question.

TEREZI: SYLV1 4SKS: "4R3 TH3R3 4LT3RN4T3 D1M3NS1ONS 4ND C4N 1 S3ND TH3 J4CK4SS3S TO ON3?"  
DAVE: first of all, of course there are alternate dimensions  
DAVE: some of my favorite daves come from alternate dimensions  
DAVE: you know davesprite? of course you do, he's awesome. alternate dimension  
JOHN: wait, did that still happen in the continuity this story's taking place in?  
TEREZI: TH4T'S D3L1B3R4T3LY 4MB1GUOUS.  
DAVE: but no, you can't send the jackasses to alternate dimensions  
DAVE: first of all, some of those alternate dimensions are pretty great  
DAVE: like if some guy cut in front of you in traffic and you took out some laser blaster and teleported him to the dimension of fluffy bunnies and shitty skateboarding simulators,  
DAVE: that wouldn't be a particularly effective deterrent  
DAVE: people would be lining up for miles to get sent to a world full of cute rabbits and MAD SNACKS YO  
DAVE: i mean people do that already, that's basically what video games are  
DAVE: but this time people would get into that line by cutting into other lines  
DAVE: a total breakdown of social order would ensue  
DAVE: the very concept of queues would lose all meaning before the total anarchy brought on by lil loafs and radical stunts  
DAVE: that's not the kinda world i think you want to create  
DAVE: and speaking of worlds, it's just irresponsible to send all your problems to another one  
DAVE: like, now the people of _that_ world have to clean up _your_ shit  
DAVE: imagine if we were that other world  
DAVE: it'd be like all of a sudden some other world develops the technology to dump their trash here  
DAVE: and suddenly all these dipshits are showing up for no reasons  
DAVE: and because they show up en masse they all know each other and become inexplicably popular  
DAVE: the skies fill up with emissions, the ocean fills up with plastic, and government fills up with corrupt assholes who have no business being a part of society  
DAVE: let alone running it  
DAVE: OH WAIT  
TEREZI: >:O  
JOHN: :O  
AUDIENCE: :o  
SOLLUX: (oh 2hiit)  
DAVE: so yeah no you can't send disphits to alternate dimensions, end of story

There's a solid five seconds of almost complete silence before the audience breaks out into raucous cheering. Hats are thrown. Kerchiefs are thrown. Babies are thrown. It's horribly reckless and irresponsible. Dave makes Santa bow posthumagnanimously as he rakes in the applause.

DAVE: thank you, you're such a lovely audience, i'd love to take you home with me in my bag of presents that's bigger on the inside  
TEREZI: B3FOR3 YOU DO TH4T, W3 H4V3 ON3 L4ST QU3ST1ON. TH1S ON3 COM3S FROM M3̀ÞRU.  
JOHN: gog dammit terezi!  
TEREZI: M3̀ÞRU 4SKS: "D1D YOU 4CTU4LLY 4TT3ND TH3 COUNC1L OF N1C434, 4ND 1F SO, D1D YOU R34LLY PUNCH 4R1US 1N TH3 F4C3?"  
DAVE: you know, i don't remember, maybe i'll go back in time after this and find out  
DAVE: but either way that wasn't me  
DAVE: remember the santa claus movie which you said was a documentary and therefore definitely is  
DAVE: i'm actually just some dipshit dad who killed santa because i wanted to prove that i was the worst possible father figure  
DAVE: then i took over his job because apparently that's how things work in the wild north  
DAVE: i definitely trust any system where the only qualification for being the guy who breaks into everyone's house at night and leaves toys for kids after judging their moral standing is "capable of murder"  
DAVE: and in the end i'm rewarded with the love of little cousin charlie because I deliver presents, which is literally a cosmic mandate passed to me by the heavens for accidental manslaughter  
DAVE: so i'm not sure if i can really be given credit for that, but because i'm a disphit i'll take it anyway  
DAVE: speaking of which, tz, since you killed me aren't you the new santa? it's christmas eve, you'd better get started  
TEREZI: >:O YOU'R3 R1GHT!

She shoots up so fast that she knocks her chair over. She takes a jetpack from her sylladex and puts it on, stows the bag of letters, and starts hovering in the air.

TEREZI: W3LL, 1 H4V3 PL3NTY MOR3 QU3ST1ONS, BUT 1'M 4FR41D TH4T'LL B3 4LL TH3 T1M3 W3 H4V3 FOR TON1GHT.  
TEREZI: 1'V3 GOT 4 LOT OF HOUS3S TO GET TO 4ND NOT MUCH T1M3 TO DO 1T 1N.  
TEREZI: UNT1L N3XT T1M3, 1'M T3R3Z1 PYROP3, 4ND TH1S 1S L33T SP34K TON1GHT.  
  


And with a cry of, “NY3-H3-H3! M3RRY J3GUSM4S!” she blasts off through the studio roof and into the evening sky.

**Author's Note:**

> I might make more of this one day, but don't get your hopes up. I'd need to come up with an _idea_ first.
> 
> This is an alternate universe where Dave uses commas, so there. Now please don't make me go back through and edit it, that's so tedious for so little reward.
> 
> In addition to my alpha readers, some other Discord users helped out by submitting those questions to Santa, so a big shoutout to them as well! This would technically have been _possible_ without them, but it wouldn't have been the same.


End file.
